October 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, a candidate for California Senate ended her argument during a live televised debate by dabbing. Of course history buffs will remember Abraham Lincoln putting the exclamation point on his debate victory over Stephen Douglas by doing the Stanky Leg.
 
2. According to a new poll, 45% of young people check their mobile phones after going to bed. “That’s ridiculous,” said Donald Trump, “Who goes to bed?”

3. Scientists have developed a drug that may allow dogs to live longer. “Unless the pill comes with a bulletproof vest, I think I’m still shit out of luck,” said Old Yeller.

4. This week, China unveiled the world’s fastest elevator. “Not if I have anything to do with it,” said the person who lives on the second floor.

5. Taco Bell has posted one of its Canadian restaurants on AirBnB. It is listed as a one bed, one very heavily used bath.

6. Earlier this week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump mocked Hillary Clinton and her bout with pneumonia by doing an impression of her stumbling to her car. Trump’s impression of a physically ill person was a nice break from ongoing impression of a mentally ill person.

7. This week, while praising Mike Pence’s performance during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate, Eric Trump mistakenly said Pence was from Illinois instead of Indiana. An honest mistake that Eric completely understands since a lot of times his father mistakenly calls him Don Jr.

8. Scientists have developed a drug that may allow dogs to live longer. “Yeah, but what’s the point?” asked Droopy Dog:
droopy

9. According to sources, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is irate that people are saying his running mate Mike Pence outperformed him during Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate. Trump hates to be upstaged, which explains why he’s surrounded himself with Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani.
 
10.  During Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican Mike Pence said, “I try to spend a little time on my knees every day.” And, if that’s the case, I’m not sure what Chris Christie’s role is in the Trump campaign anymore.
 
11. Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence called Russian President Vladimir Putin a “small and bullying leader” on Tuesday and condemned his actions in Syria. Luckily Putin didn’t hear the comments as he was busy at the time:
bike

12. According to ‘the New York Times,’ Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine travels around with six harmonicas in a briefcase. Said Bill Clinton, “You had me at six Monicas.”

13. Yesterday, actor Ben Affleck revealed that the working title for the new, solo Batman movie that he is writing and directed is “The Batman.” And with creative writing like that, it’s gotta be great.
 
14. According to newly released court documents, Donald Trump said he believed his assertion last year that Mexicans crossing the border illegally are “rapists” bringing crime were “pretty mainstream” and should have attracted customers to his new Washington restaurant. Which explains the restaurants slogan “Come for the jalapeno poppers, stay because there are Mexican rapists outside.”
 
15. On Friday, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte likened himself to Adolf Hitler, saying he wanted to kill millions of drug addicts, just as the Nazi leader killed millions of Jews. “That’s outrageous,” said Donald Trump, “You don’t compare yourself to Hitler, you let other people do it for you.”

16. A Portuguese man who spent the last 43 years in a wheelchair, is re-learning to walk after discovering that he was mis-diagnosed. He would have gotten a second opinion all those years ago, but that doctor’s office had stairs.

17. Taco trucks in Houston are doubling as voter registration booths. It’s part of the city’s “Guac the Vote” campaign.

18. After alleging that former Miss Universe Alicia Machado had a sex tape, it was revealed that Republican nominee Donald Trump appeared in an explicit Playboy video in 2000. But, in his defense, he was more of a behind the scenes guy, his hair served as the fluffer.

19. A woman in Texas was sentenced to eight years behind bars for stealing a ring from a corpse. Or, as Mrs. Larry King refers to it, marriage.

20. Last week, during a speech at a campaign rally, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton’s campaign the “most unserious campaign in American history.” And he has a point, she was the one who starred in a McDonald’s commercial with Grimace, oh wait:
grimace

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