October 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, NBA superstar LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Which makes sense, because, in the NBA, racist billionaire businessmen named Donald who are solely motivated by money, have a documented history of not renting to African Americans and are with gold-digging women way too young for them aren’t even fit to run a team, let alone a whole country:

2. Yesterday, the New York Post reported that a recently married couple in Florida have decided to remain together after discovering they are actually grandfather and granddaughter. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, the next logical step.

3. In a recent interview, wrestling legend Ric Flair claimed that he slept with Halle Berry. Although, during his career he took a lot of metal folding to his head, so there’s a good chance it was Chuck Berry. 

4. Toyota on Monday unveiled a palm-sized robot, dubbed Kirobo Mini, designed as a synthetic baby companion in Japan, where plummeting birth rates have left many women childless. “And how do I take the batteries out of it?” asked Casey Anthony.
5. On Monday, Facebook launched a new feature called Marketplace that allows people to buy and sell items locally. So, now that obnoxious friend who continually posts baby pictures is either bragging about her baby or trying to sell a baby.
6. Campaigns to legalize recreational marijuana use in Massachusetts and Maine launched their first television ads on Monday. The ads will exclusively air at 3:15 a.m. following reruns of SpongeBob.

7. A new wearable sex toy has hit that market the vibrates in synch with audio books. Which explains why the New York Times best seller is once again “Moby Dick.”

8. A high school student in Washington asked himself to homecoming. But, because he wanted it to feel like he was actually going with someone, he specifically asked his left hand.

9. A St. Louis woman who turned 102 last week celebrated by getting arrested because it was on her bucket list. She was given a three month sentence or, in other words, a life sentence.

10. Former child-actor Melissa Joan Hart has been named the chair of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson’s Connecticut campaign. Clarissa endorsed Johnson, Scott Baio endorsed Trump, we’re just one Urkel endorsement of Hillary away from a pretty good TGIF lineup.

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