October 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Taco trucks in Houston are doubling as voter registration booths. So now you won’t know if it was the chimichunags or your options for president that gave you the indigestion.

2. According to a recent news report, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump may have violated U.S. law, by attempting to do business in Cuba. Said Trump, “I’ve never been to the Bay of Pigs and, by that, I mean Rosie O’Donnell’s swimming pool.”

3. Over the weekend, a man dressed like Rick James robbed a bank in Indianapolis. Or, more likely, a bank in Indy felt bad for the guy dressed like Rick James and just gave him some money.

4. Last week, adult film star Ron Jeremy banged into a pedestrian with his car in Beverly Hills. And, like the aftermath every time Jeremy bangs a person, the pedestrian wasn’t able to walk for days.

5. Traffic on pornography website PornHub was down 16% during last week’s presidential debate. But making the ‘yeah right’ jerk-off motion was up 200% while listening to the candidates talk.
 
6. According to reports, Brad Pitt will undergo alcohol tests as part of a temporary agreement with his estranged wife Angelina Jolie that will allow him to see their six children. Which is ridiculous, because, if I had six kids, the last thing I’d want to do is drink so much that I see double.

7. State officials say the smoking rate among kids in Kentucky has drastically declined. Which can only mean one thing, kids in Kentucky have figured out a way to do meth without smoking it.

8. An Iraqi housewife has gained attention for beheading and cooking the heads of multiple ISIS soldiers. Said a spokesman for ISIS, “So many mixed emotions. On the one hand she is killing us, but on the other, she is staying in the kitchen.”

9. An Australian-based artist has turned Disney princesses, like Ariel and Belle, into curvy, voluptuous figures. Said Frozo, “I like what I see”:
frozo

10. Last week, the gold-winning US women’s gymnastics team visited the White House. The last time that many young, flexible women where in the Oval Office, Bill had some serious explaining to do.

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