September 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” The current working title of the film is “The Best Movie Ever Made!”
2. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” Which is weird because in my dreams Scarlett Johansson is there too.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. Hell, he’s been doing it to his own daughter for years:

4. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a ruler inside a college library bathroom. And, in even worse news for the man, it was so small he had to use the dewey decimal system.

5. This week, a burglar broke into a California YMCA and stole play money from a toy cash register. Police officers were able to track the man down, but were forced to let him go after he furnished one of these:

6. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is preparing for two Donald Trumps for the upcoming presidential debates, a disciplined Donald and a freewheeling Donald. While Trump is preparing for two Hillary Clintons, the real Hillary and her body double.
7. One of Vladimir Putin’s closest friends said on Thursday he believes Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States. That friend, you guessed it, Donald Trump.
8. An Ohio county chair for the Trump campaign resigned following an interview published Thursday, in which she suggested there was “no racism” until President Obama was elected and called the Black Lives Matter movement “a stupid waste of time.” I assume she was forced to resign because she was promoted.
9. A woman in Brooklyn reportedly lived with the corpse of her dead son for over a decade. Said the woman, “I had no idea he was dead, you’d think my dog would have let me know”:

10. A new app called Real has launched that is billed as Tinder for platonic relationships. So, even in the best case scenario, after a date, men will still go home and swipe themselves.

11. Residents have noticed that the newly introduced Canada paper money smells like maple syrup. Also smelling like maple syrup, everything else in Canada.

12. A new study has confirmed what was long suspected, that people gain weight during the holidays. So I’m guessing the Christie household is one of those homes that leaves it Christmas lights up year round.

13. Over the weekend, a woman in New York intentionally drove into oncoming traffic to avoid going to New Jersey. Although I kinda blame the state’s new motto:

14. A writer dashed past firefighters into a burning New Orleans house last week to rescue two completed novels stored on his laptop. Sounds like he has the same IT people as Hillary.

15. Apple’s new software update includes single parent emojis. And, despite recent divorce news, I think the eggplant will still be Anthony Weiner’s most used emoji.

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