September 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An outbreak of hand, foot and mouth disease has struck the student body at Florida State University. But, that type of thing will happen when the hand motions that go along with the “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” song are part of the English 301 curriculum.

2. A new study has determined that you inherit your intelligence from your mother. Yup, that makes sense:

3. According to new research, people don’t know how drunk they are. Said drunks, “No, you don’t know how drunk you are!”

4. A new study revealed that being actively involved in social media sites like Facebook and Twitter can bring users as much happiness as getting married or having a new baby. Especially if you have a shitty marriage and hate your kids.

5. An 18-year-old Austrian girl is suing her parents for posting ’embarrassing and intimate’ baby photos of her on Facebook. “Friend request sent,” said Jared Fogel.

6. Melania Trump released a letter from her immigration attorney Wednesday aimed at settling questions about whether she properly followed immigration law when she came to the United States in 1996. And here is a picture of her attorney:

7. This week, a teenage driver in Alabama collided with a camel on a local road. So someone’s gonna have to break the news to baby Jesus that there’s only gonna be two wise men this year.

8. This week, Amazon announced that it’s virtual assistant device, the Echo, can communicate with all GE appliances. That story again, the Echo, your toaster and your fridge are now plotting against you.

9. The iPhone 7 is being advertised in Hong Kong using the catchphrase “This is seven,” but, in Cantonese, ‘seven’ is slang for ‘penis,’ so all the ads read “This is penis” next to a picture of the phone. Which, in Anthony Weiner’s case, is still technically accurate.

10. Sunday night, Savvy Shields, a college student from Arkansas, was crowned Miss America. So congratulations to Savvy on achieving her lifelong goal of getting the fuck out of Arkansas.

11. Rapper Travis Scott scored his first number one album on the Billboard 2000 charts on Monday with “Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight,” knocking previous number one Barbara Streisand down to sixth. “Dat woke ass bitch be trippin’ cause I ain’t fixin’ to be fake,” said Streisand.

12. On Saturday, Iran began building its second nuclear power plant. And, thanks to the first one, construction on this one should go a lot quicker:

13. Pop star Lady Gaga has revealed she wrote the lyrics for her new single on a typewriter. Looks like another hit:
14. According to a new study, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana then their teenage children. Which explains, why, for the third night in a row, dinner is pizza rolls and an ice pop.
15. Last week, Louie Gohmert, a Republican Congressman from Texas, repeatedly declared Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton “mentally impaired” as the result of a concussion. Which, I assume, offends Gohmert because he came about his mentally impairment the old fashioned way.

16. A new study shows that prolonged exposure to cell phones destroys sperm cells in men. But, on the plus-side:

17. In a recent interview, Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler said he would do just about anything to be in the next “Guardians of the Galaxy.” I guess, because he doesn’t realize the raccoon is CGI:

18. The movie “Sully,” which is about the United Airlines flight that made an emergency landing in the Hudson a few years back, opened this weekend to rave reviews. Well, except for one notable movie critic:

19. Two dolphins have been recorded having an underwater conversation for the first time ever. The conversation went something like this: “Who’s the guy with the tape recorded.” “I don’t know. I thought he was with you.”

20. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he agreed with Donald Trump when the Republican presidential candidate said anything is legal during wartime. Which, I assume, includes faking bone spurs in your foot to avoid going to Vietnam.

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