September 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two men rushed the stage right after Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte finished his routine on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday night. And, if you think sounds scary, you should hear Lochte tell it.

2. The World Squirrel Cook-Off Championships will take place this weekend in Arkansas. And, also every other weekend in Arkansas.

3. A man whose YouTube channel is dedicated to covering various objects in tape took it to the next level by covering his parents’ home in 60 miles of clear tape. But, the joke’s really on him, because now he can’t get back into their basement.

4. An all-female cast of actors are performing a nude version of Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” in Brooklyn this week. Prior to that, if you wanted to see a naked person with a fake British accent pretend to be from the 1790s, you’d have to travel all the way to the F train.

5. A French court ruled that parents could not name their baby girl Nutella, after the popular chocolate-hazelnut treat. Said the judge, “Maybe it’s not the best idea to name your daughter after something that spreads.”

6. An Illinois man has built a 123 foot, one inch long teeter-totter in his backyard in hopes to set a Guinness World Record. That record, most airborne kid.

7. According to a new study, almost 10% of the nation’s of military force is classified as obese. Which explains the new chant, “Left. Right. Left. Right…Hold on…Can we just pause for a second…whoa, you guys are really into marching around here.”

8. A North Carolina mother has been arrested after allegedly having sex with her 25-year-old son. But, it worked, it made her cousin jealous.

9. According to a new study, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana then their teenage children. So, when you’re parents say they want to have a ‘blunt’ talk to you about drugs, it may be very different than you think.

10. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un. Leaving Jong Un’s barber in a really tough spot.

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