September 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, stuntman Eddie Braun will attempt a rocket-powered leap across Idaho’s Snake River Canyon. Braun asks that his friends and family pray for him and keep their Sunday open.

2. The iPhone 7 is being advertised in Hong Kong using the catchphrase “This is seven,” but, in Cantonese, ‘seven’ is slang for ‘penis.’ Which doesn’t really make sense, because according to every Asian stereotype, equating seven to penis is very generous.

3. Robin Camp, a federal judge in Canada, is facing removal from the bench for his conduct after asking a woman in a rape case why she couldn’t “just keep [her] knees together.” A question that would probably be better asked of Mrs. Camp when she was pregnant with the judge.

4. The 2016 World Chess Championships will be broadcast live and in 360-degree virtual reality this year. So viewers can get the real experience of turning around 180-degrees to watch something else.

5. Sunday night, Savvy Shields, a college student from Arkansas, was crowned Miss America. Or, as she is known in Arkansas, the college student.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would like to do away with the moderators in the upcoming debates and engage Hillary Clinton in a one-on-one discussion. So Trump basically told the moderators “we’d be better off without you” a statement he has not said out loud since he was in a room with Tiffany Trump.

7. Rapper Travis Scott scored his first number one album on the Billboard 200 charts on Monday with “Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight,” knocking previous number one Barbara Streisand down to sixth. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of either one.

8. Police in Ohio are trying determine the origin of a human heart that was discovered in an open field over the weekend. So far, Kano has been named a person of interest:
kano

9. A woman in Georgia was arrested for trying on tampons in a local Walmart. Said the woman, “It was either that or you were gonna have a cleanup on isle 3.”

10. On Monday, the Oxford English Dictionary added the word ‘moobs’, which are man breasts, to its lexicon. Of course, since it’s an english dictionary, the definition is just a picture of Simon Cowell:
cowell

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