September 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Eddie Antar, the founder of the Crazy Eddie electronics retail chain known for its hugely popular TV commercials in the 1970s, died Saturday at the age of 68. But, for you, 67.

2. In a recent interview, pop star Lady Gaga revealed that she wrote the lyrics for her new single, Perfect Illusion, on a typewriter. Making it the second most antique thing she has ever collaborated on a song with:

3. According to a new study, the five-second rule is too generous and bacteria can contaminate food that falls on the floor instantaneously. “Yes, our research has determined that if you drop food on the floor, you should just leave it there,” said two dogs in a lab coat.

4. New evidence suggests that Amelia Earhart tried to make contact via her radio for days after her plane went done. So, add radio operator to the list of things Amelia Earhart wasn’t good at.

5. John Hinckley Jr. was released from a psychiatric hospital on Saturday, thirty-five years attempting to shoot President Reagan due to a deranged obsession with the actress Jodie Foster. Upon release, Hinckley was excited to learn that Foster didn’t have a husband, but then disappointed when he found out why.

6. Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte has vowed to personally tear apart and eat Islamic militants. Which can only mean one thing, they’ve run out of dogs over there.

7. Last week, political commentator Chris Wallace, who will moderate one of the upcoming presidential debates, said he does not believe it’s part of his job to call out the candidates when they lie. Because, if he did that, they wouldn’t even get past the “it’s great to be here” part.

8. Over the weekend, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said his rival Hillary Clinton could shoot someone in an arena in front of 20,000 people and not be prosecuted. “No shit,” said Vince Foster.

9. The Paralympics held in Rio over the past two weeks were the second-most attended Paralympic Games in history. Because, let’s be honest, what’s the worst that Zika could do to them?

10. While responding to tips of a party in the heart of Amish country last week, police arrested more than 70 people for underage drinking. Which explains what happened during the last barn raising:

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