September 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Police say a man broke into a home on Martha’s Vineyard over the weekend, didn’t steal anything, but painted the resident’s dog purple. So maybe, just maybe, Prince is still alive.

2. In a new interview, actor Mel Gibson said he has a relationship with God and he thinks sometimes God talks to him through license plates. And, although it sounds crazy, he may have a point:

3. On Tuesday, FIFA president Gianni Infantino said he is not certain the 2026 World Cup will feature 40 teams. Asked why, Infantino said, “Because, so far, I’ve only received 31 bribes.”

4. A new food product called Winecream combines wine with ice cream. “Great, now I can stop making my own,” said recently-dumped girls.

5. According to reports, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the parents on the reality show “19 Kids and Counting,” may be getting divorced. Jim Bob said he never thought it would come to this, he always figured she’d just die of exhaustion.

6. In a new interview, actress Renee Zellweger said, “I don’t need a kid to be happy.” “Oh, how I envy you,” said Jerry Sandusky.

7. According to reports, singer Taylor Swift and boyfriend actor Tom Hiddleston have broken up. My condolences to their publicists.

8. A man in New Jersey with no arms was arrested for allegedly dealing drugs. Officers put him under arrest by showing him a pair of handcuffs.

9. A man deemed ‘the Selfie Vigilante’ has been going around New York City with a pair of garden sheers and cutting people’s selfie sticks. He has also been named the world’s worst moil.

10. Firefighters in the U.K. had to come to the aid of a 4-year-old boy who got his head stuck in a toilet seat. The responding officers called the boy “very lucky,” while the family dog called him “an amateur.”

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