September 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Pope Francis elevated Mother Teresa to sainthood. Where she takes her place along other notable religious dignitaries like Saint Peter, John the Baptist, and Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan.

2. On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he did not know who was behind the hacking of the U.S. Democratic Party. Saying, “It could have been anyone, including Democratic Vice Chairman Raymond Buckley’s third grade teacher Miss Worthy or DNC Treasurer Andrew Tobias’s middle child Henry who’s social security number is 342-65-5723.”

3. Last week, El Salvador’s annual church festival in which young men throw fiery, gasoline-soaked rags at one another took place in the streets. Although, to be fair, it is still one of the less dangerous things you’ll be exposed to as a young man in the Catholic Church.

4. According to India’s National Conservation Authority, the country has lost track of 83 tigers over the last eight months. And, no one is more nervous about 83 tigers just roaming around than Seigfred.

5. Last week, Princess Kate made waves by wearing a pair of pants from the Gap that only cost $30. Giving new meaning to the phrase, ‘Mind the Gap’:
kate middleton

6. A dedicated gamer in New York City brought a monitor and his Xbox onto a subway so he could continue playing. Which has got to be the best case scenario if someone on the subway asks if you want to play Black Hole Assault.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump visited an African-American church in Detroit, telling the audience, “I’m here today to learn.” So if Trump only goes to places where learning is happening, I guess that explains why he never visited Trump University.

8. After their starting quarterback got injured during a game on Saturday, Navy pulled a freshman from the stands to play the position for the rest of the game. Going from a spectator in the stands to a starting quarterback, or, as it’s more commonly known, a reverse Tebow.

9. To celebrate their 100th anniversary, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs set a Guinness Record on Friday by preparing 1,916 hotdogs, wrapping them in tin foil and assembling them in a continuous line at their store in Manhattan’s Grand Central Terminal. And, of course, I was the guy behind that order in line.

10. When speaking of his teammate Tom Brady’s suspension, New England wide receiver Julian Edelman said, “It’s like one of your buddies going to jail.” “Actually, you know what’s more like that…” said Aaron Hernandez.

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