September 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A New York state appeals court on Thursday dismissed a lawsuit from Lindsay Lohan accusing the makers of the “Grand Theft Auto” video game of basing a character on her without her permission. Said the judge, “In a game about different modes of transportation, it is completely reasonable for there to be a trainwreck.”

2. In a new interview, Rob Kardashian admitted that his weight gain kept him from attending Kim and Kayne’s wedding, saying, “I’m upset I missed my sister’s wedding.” Adding, “But I’m sure I’ll be there for the next one.”

3. A man in Ohio accidentally shot himself while sitting in a dentist chair waiting to be examined. Said the dental hygienist, “I can see from the bleeding that you haven’t been flossing.”

4. On Wednesday, while speaking at a Trump rally, Rudy Giuliani wore a hat reading “Make Mexico Great Again Also.” Because, as history has shown, thats the best way to get your message out there:
hats

5. On Thursday, the Academy Awards announced that they will be giving actor Jackie Chan a lifetime achievement award. Said the Oscars, “Technically he’s not white.”

6. Singer Justin Bieber’s credit card was declined at a Subway in Hollywood on Thursday. Which is tough, especially since only three years ago he used to get free subs from Jared.

7. This week, Rihanna showed off a new tattoo of shark that was inspired by a gift from her boyfriend Drake. She also has a tattoo of a bruise that was inspired by a gift from her former boyfriend Chris Brown.

8. A teenage boy in Mexico reportedly died after receiving a hickey from his girlfriend. And yet, somehow, Charlie Sheen is still alive.

9. An elderly couple has been wearing matching colored outfits everyday for the past 52 years. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, relationship goals:
pantsuit

10. A scientist in the U.K. predicted that people will be having sex with robots by the year 2050. “Or much, much, much sooner,” said Ann Romney.

11. During an interview on Monday, singer Britney Spears revealed that she doesn’t remember her first-ever MTV VMAs performance 17 years ago. Yikes, I’d hate to be the person who has to break the news to her about Kevin Federline.

12. The country of Sweden is now paying migrants to leave. Said Sweden, “How do you think we got ABBA to leave in the first place?”

13. Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt reportedly brought 10 women back to his London hotel room last week after a night out at a club. Apparently, he let them pass his ‘baton’ around.

14. Target has embraced the popularity of “Pokemon Go” by transforming the large red spheres in front of some stores into Poke Balls. Not to be outdone, every Walmart bathroom looks like Squirtle was there right before you.

15. Last week, Harold Bornstein, the doctor who has produced the only public medical record about Donald Trump during his presidential campaign reportedly said he spent only five minutes writing it. But, in Bornstein’s defense, it was either that or risk seeing Donald Trump naked.

16. Indonesian man Mbah Gotho, who is the world’s oldest man at 145-years-old, has one wish, saying “What I want is to die.” So, for his birthday, “His kids got him a one-way ticket to Chicago.”

17. Vice President Joe Biden announced Friday a $2.45 billion loan to Amtrak from the Department of Transportation. Either that, or reporters caught him during dress-up time and he had to come up with an excuse fast:
train

18. Inspired by the success of Pokemon Go, a Belgian school has developed an online game for kids to search for books instead of cartoon monsters. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Pokemon Go but wishes he were getting called a nerd and beat up more often.

19. According to a new study, divorces peak around March and August every year. The study was conducted by following around Larry King for a year.

20. Netflix has responded to the launch of a North Korean copycat service called “Manbang” by changing its Twitter bio to read: “Manbang knockoff.” Because, if we know one thing about North Korea, it’s that they’re great at taking a joke:
interview

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