1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.
2. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.
3. Pizza Hut has created the world’s first playable pizza box that converts into turntables. Not to be outdone, I ordered Dominos yesterday and my deliver guy was DJ Jazzy Jeff.
4. Tokyo governor Yuriko Koike brought the Olympic flag to Japan from Brazil on Wednesday and called for all parties to work together to host a successful Summer Games in 2020. Step one, don’t tell Ryan Lochte about them.
5. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
6. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.
7. Thousands gathered in Mexico City’s Chapultepec Park on Sunday to play Pokemon Go. Said Donald Trump, “It’s the perfect place to catch them all,” adding “what’s Pokemon?”
8. According to new research, middle and lower-income children don’t visit eye doctors as often as wealthier kids. So, maybe, when a bully asks a nerd “What are you looking at?” he genuinely wants to know.
9. A Donald Trump supporter who identified himself as half-Indian was escorted out of a Trump rally on Thursday because security thought he resembled another man who had disrupted previous rallies. Said security, “Our mistake, half of you can stay.”
10. Izzat Artykov, a male weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, became the first athlete at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics to be stripped of a medal after testing positive for rat poison. Which is bullshit, because I dare you to spend one day in Kyrgyzstan and not think about eating rat poison.