August 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Police in Sweden have dropped sexual assault charges against a man after it was discovered that his alleged victims had “gigantic breasts.” That, or the police sketch artist really needs a girlfriend.

3. Yesterday, political commentator Ann Coulter said she has a ‘blind loyalty’ to Donald Trump, adding, “Once he gave that Mexican rapist speech, I’ll walk across glass for him.” Or, to put it more romantically, you had me at ‘Mexican rapist.’

4. On Thursday, a Washington D.C. judge ruled that jumping over the White House fence is not free speech. “Does it matter which way you’re jumping?” said President Obama.

5. Part of Kenya’s Olympic team has been stranded in Brazil after the conclusion of the games. Or more likely, the Kenyan Olympic team looked around Rio and decided not to go back to Kenya.

6. This week, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence got his haircut at an African-American barbershop in Pennsylvania. Which explains this:
pence

7. In a recent interview, a 20-year-old Brazilian student who had a one night stand with Olympic champion Usain Bolt in Rio said “he has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match.” “I’ve heard that before,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

8. This week, researchers found a train at the bottom of Lake Superior 106 years after its derailment. “So it’s not coming?” said a really, really late businessman.

9. Former “Friends” star Courteney Cox says she now regrets some cosmetic procedures she had in the past. Begging the question, is David Arquette’s middle name ‘cosmetic procedures’?

10. A Nigerian man is being charged for provoking people and “breach of peace” for naming his dog after President Muhammadu Buhari. “That’s not how you get back at that dog,” said President Obama:

11. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. Although, I remember Yoshi looking different:
dragon

12. Mataelpino, a small Spanish town just outside Madrid, has replaced its annual running of the bulls with an Indiana Jones-style boulder run. Although, now and days, the only stones Indiana Jones is trying to outrun are kidney.

13. Last week, Ford announced that they will start building cars with no steering wheels or pedals. They will be called the Ford No Escape.
 
14. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump apologized on Thursday for past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.” And, to show he’s serious, Trump changed all his “Sorry Jeb” signs to “Sorry, Jeb” signs.
 
15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and his running mate toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, if the torrential flooding hasn’t convinced you to move, that should do it.

16. NASA has announced that it will put the International Space Station up for sale hoping that a private commercial owner will take over possession of the site. One downside, the neighbors suck:
earth

17. According to a new study, the average American family spends at least 10% of their yearly income on child care. And, in a related story, Casey Anthony just bought a new Bentley.

18. A Chinese monk, who died four years ago, is now being given the highest honor by his temple. So it’s either full and complete enlightenment or a jet-ski.

19. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

20. A 42-year-old Indian man had surgery to remove 40 knives from his stomach after he had an “uncontrollable urge” to eat the cutlery. “I bet all he needed was a spoon,” said Alanis Morrisette.

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