August 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pizza Hut has created the world’s first playable pizza box that converts into turntables. Not to be outdone, I ordered Dominos yesterday and my deliver guy was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

2. A 25-year-old man from Brooklyn set a Guinness World Record by binge-watching TV for 94 consecutive hours. Despite that, the man said he still has no idea who anyone is on “Game of Thrones.”

3. Video captured a quick-thinking seal that hitched a ride on a boat to get away from a pod of killer whales. Said the boat driver, “My plan worked perfectly”:
boat captain

4. An Ohio man was arrested after police observed him acting like a gorilla while touching himself inappropriately in public. “Oh, right, but you shoot me?” said Harambe.

5. According to a new study, 71% of Americans think bilingual people are more attractive. Although, the majority of them didn’t wait to hear the ‘lingual’ part.

6. According to a recent financial disclosure, a few months ago, the Trump campaign spent $55,000 dollars of campaign donations to buy 3,500 copies of Donald Trump’s book. But, in Trump’s defense, he did say he would be self-funding.

7. In a new interview, Eric Trump, son of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said it would be foolish for his father to release his tax returns while being audited. Adding, “But there’s no rule against us getting a look at that will during an audit.”

8. Yesterday, Marvel Comics announced a reboot of Ironman staring a new superhero called Ironheart. “Get my lawyers on the phone,” said Dick Cheney.

9. Hillary Clinton is expected to spend a considerable amount of money on campaign ads that will run during football games. Her opponent has vowed to have his face present during NFL games as well:
redskins

10. Tokyo governor Yuriko Koike brought the Olympic flag to Japan from Brazil on Wednesday and called for all parties to work together to host a successful Summer Games in 2020. Step one, don’t tell Ryan Lochte about them.

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