August 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thousands gathered in Mexico City’s Chapultepec Park on Sunday to play Pokemon Go. Said Donald Trump, “It’s the perfect place to catch them all,” adding “what’s Pokemon?”

2. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Afterwhich, Bolt set the Olympic record for fastest walk of shame ever.

3. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Well to be fair, the picture is her next to a black, green and yellow blur, so it’s most likely Bolt.

4. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. But, in his defense, considering the sewage problems leading up to the games, Rio can always use another plumber.

5. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water:
jaws

6. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Although, if you’re eating enough KFC to earn free sunscreen, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you keep your shirt on at the beach.

7. Model Tyra Banks will be teaching a class at Stanford Business School next semester. Not to be outdone, billionaire Warren Buffett will be teaching a seminar on Doing Business in a Global Economy at Wharton in a two-piece bikini.

8. Yesterday, Eric Trump claimed his father Donald shamed President Obama by visiting flooded Louisiana first saying, “When there is a problem, when there is a natural disaster, when there is an issue, my father will be the first person there.” But, that’s only because he’ll probably be the one who caused it.

9. A lesbian couple in Australia allegedly robbed a nun at knifepoint and stole her rosary beads. Said the nun, “That’s gonna be 500 Hail Mary’s, plus a few for the rosary beads.”

10. According to new research, middle and lower-income children don’t visit eye doctors as often as wealthier kids. So, maybe, when a bully asks a nerd “What are you looking at?” he genuinely wants to know.

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