August 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Donald Trump supporter who identified himself as half-Indian was escorted out of a Trump rally on Thursday because security thought he resembled another man who had disrupted previous rallies. Said security, “Our mistake, half of you can stay.”

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, I say this from the bottom of my heart, Orangie, you’re doing a heck of a job.

3. Last week, French Olympic race walker Yohann Dinizeven shit himself, passed out and still finished eighth. And, although, there were 78 racers total, the guy who finished ninth and ran right behind Dinizeven the whole race is the real loser.

4. A grandmother in Illinois celebrated her 100th birthday by beating her grandkids in beer pong. Or, more likely, those kids are anxious to get their hands on the will and let her win.

5. Izzat Artykov, a male weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, became the first athlete at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics to be stripped of a medal after testing positive for rat poison. Which is bullshit, because I dare you to spend one day in Kyrgyzstan and not think about eating rat poison.

6. Paul Manafort resigned as chairman of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign on Friday. Manafort plans to spend more time at home with his loved ones, and by that, I assume he means he’s moving to the Ukraine.

7. Dick Assman, a Canadian man with an unusual name who rose to fame after being featured on the “Late Show with David Letterman,” died last week. He is survived by his wife Anita Assman, his kids Mya Assman and Imma Assman, and Kim Kardashian.

8. A substitute teacher in Pennsylvania has admitted to having sex with a 17-year-old student in a car parked in a cemetery earlier this year. Which explains why that kid was so looking forward to his grandfather’s funeral.

9. Researchers have now developed a world penis-size map. And, despite their geographical proximity, Africa and China have never been father apart.

10. A woman in the U.K. is selling her wedding dress on eBay to pay for her divorce. So, now I’m really concerned that she’s also selling baby clothes.

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