August 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, ‘Dancing with the Stars’ wants former President Bill Clinton to compete on the show. Said Bill, “That’s nice, but did ‘The Bachelor’ call?”

2. Egypt’s state-run television has suspended eight of its female presenters for being overweight. They were so overweight Roger Ailes could barely hit on them.

3. A Nebraska man who was twice spotted masturbating in his car told cops that he was not pleasuring himself, but rather vigorously “mixing a protein shake.” And, technically, in either case, he’s telling the truth.

4. Singer Erykah Badu announced that she is donating the proceeds from her upcoming Detroit concert to a nonprofit that tests the city’s backlog of rape kits. That’s remarkable, people are still paying to see Erykah Badu?

5. A young boy accidentally ate his dog’s chew toy and now squeaks whenever he talks. Or, as Kristin Chenoweth refers to it, a career.

6. Rio de Janeiro authorities have issued an arrest warrant for Patrick Hickey, an International Olympic Committee executive, accused of scalping tickets for the Summer Games. If found guilty, Hickey could be sentenced to up to ten years as president of the IOC.

7. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Tuesday he was willing to meet with Donald Trump, months after comparing him to Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini. Said Trump, “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

8. A mural of the ten members of the Olympic’s first ever refugee team has been painted and now has a permanent place on the streets of Rio de Janeiro. So, to recap, the mural has a home, the athletes not so much.

9. On Wednesday, board-certified medicine specialist and TV personality Dr. Drew Pinsky said he is “gravely concerned” about Hillary Clinton’s health. Said Donald Trump, “Tell me about, did you know, once a month, she bleeds uncontrollably from her wherever?”

10. A man who bought a foreclosed home in Colorado, took possession of the house and found a dead body inside. Ironically, he found it in the living room.

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