August 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creator of the TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. He said viewers will be able to easily determine which features and characteristics are drawn from which candidate, except for the fictional president’s small, delicate, feminine hands.

2. On Saturday, Actor Robert De Niro said that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump should not run for president because he was “totally nuts”. Said Trump, “You talkin’ to me?”

3. A judge in Ireland ruled last week that being a disciple of Jesus Christ is not an occupation. Did he say anything about being a DJ?

4. Police are on the lookout for a man who allegedly stole a $60 penis pump from a sex shop in Australia. Don’t worry he’ll be back to return it, those things don’t work … I mean, I’ve heard those things don’t work.

5. Last week, a doctor in Florida returned a book on how to be a doctor to a library 40 years after checking it out. Ironically, he just paid off his student debt and now has to take out another loan to pay the late fees.

6. A 72-year-old Ohio man was arrested for allegedly slipping into the residence of a female neighbor, ejaculating into a bottle of orange juice and then returning it to her refrigerator. But, in his defense, it was freshly squeezed.

7. Last week, twin sister in Pennsylvania gave birth on the same day in the same hospital. Or maybe, just maybe, there was a mirror in the delivery room.

8. A woman in Russia told police she was raped by a Pokemon Go character. In a clever attempt to get the police to catch a Pikachu for her.

9. New leaked footage has emerged alleging showing actor Johnny Depp throwing a wine glass at his ex-wife Amber Heard. And, in an even worse show of spousal abuse, additional videos show Depp making Heard go to the premiere of all his movies.

10. American Olympian Ashton Eaton is facing criticism for openly supporting his wife, who is a Canadian Olympic heptathlete, at the Games. Specifically from his American girlfriend.

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