August 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech Wednesday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said President Obama was the founder of ISIS and Hillary Clinton was the co-founder. Yet another example of Trump’s refusal to put a woman in charge of a company.

2. A former North Carolina staffer is suing Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, saying a top employee working on Trump’s White House bid once pulled a gun on him and the campaign took no action. But, in Trump’s defense, that staffer is a lot less likely now to nominate liberal judges to the bench.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump acknowledged on Thursday that his campaign is struggling in Utah, a usually rock solid Republican state. Those Mormons know he’s had three wives, right?

4. A Chinese couple marked their wedding day by dangling underneath a glass bottom suspension bridge overlooking a gorge. It suddenly became a destination wedding when the cables gave way.

5. Asked what he would do if he lost in the general election to Hillary Clinton, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said we would, “have a very, very nice long vacation.” So hopefully ‘nice’ means international and ‘long’ means enough time to build a wall.

6. A black biofilm is beginning to cover the Jefferson Monument in Washington D.C. Big deal, a black bio-play has been covering Hamilton on Broadway for two years.

7. The CEO of Wendy’s says the current presidential election is hurting burger sales. Apparently, Chris Christie is still heartbroken over not being Trump’s VP and can only bring himself to eat three hamburgers a day.

8. Dutch designers have created a house that splits into two in the event that the owners get a divorced. That way, the kids can say “I literally come from a broken home.”

9. The PA announcer for the Memphis Grizzlies was arrested yesterday for allegedly making upskirt videos of unsuspected church members during services. “That’s outrageous,” said priests, “if anyone’s gonna be looking up skirts it’s gonna be us.”:
altar boys

10. The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing musician Ed Sheeran claiming his hit song “Thinking Out Loud” is too similar to Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” If that’s the case, I think they both have a claim against the constant melody coming from my neighbor’s apartment of them Getting It On Out Loud.

11. According to a new study, your genes play a large role in when you lose your virginity. “No shit,” said people with ugly parents.

12. An angry moviegoer who saw “Suicide Squad” claims he’ll sue Warner Brothers for false advertising because a number of scenes used in the trailer featuring Jared Leto’s The Joker didn’t make it into the final film. While another moviegoer who saw “Alice Through the Looking Glass” is suing the film company because a number of scenes from the trailer featuring Johnny Depp were in the movie.

13. This week, President Obama played golf with Golden State Warrior superstar Steph Curry. There was an awkward moment on the course when Steph realized he wasn’t going to beat Barack so he asked to join his team instead.

14. Last week, airport security asked a woman to unzip her luggage revealing an 11-year-old boy stuffed inside. But that’ll happen when you let Jerry Sandusky pack for you.

15. After being refused permission to use the bathroom of a convenience store in Taiwan, a woman stood up on the counter, pulled down her pants, peed into a cup and drank it. Even more disgusting, then she ate one of the store hotdogs.

16. A New Jersey man who died this week has attained posthumous notoriety after his “loving wife” and “longtime girlfriend” placed dueling, side-by-side obituaries for him in the same newspaper. How’s it possible that this guy has two obits and Larry King doesn’t have any?

17. New research indicates that only about half of perceived friendships are actually mutual. This was determined by talking to any teenage girl ever.

18. Over the weekend, New Mexico deputies pulled over a car that was driving erratically to find a drunk 13-year-old boy behind the wheel and his drunk grandmother in the backseat. God I hope they were going to and not coming back from make-out point.

19. While giving a speech on Friday, Hillary Clinton slipped-up and almost called Donald Trump her husband. But, to be fair, Trump does want to refer to her as a ball and chain:
ball and chain

20. A magazine has put out a printable PDF of Donald Trump’s hand print so people can measure their own hand size against it. “I did a similar thing last November,” said Joe Biden:
hand turkey

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