August 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Olympic diving and competition pools in Rio mysteriously turned green. Which is bullshit because Michael Phelps said it wasn’t contagious:
phelps

2. On Tuesday, the Olympic diving and competition pools in Rio mysteriously turned green. And you gotta think, if that water gets any darker it will be a real advantage to the Brazilian swimmers.

3. A man scaled the side of Trump Tower in Manhattan on Wednesday and ended up getting arrested. Used to be when, when you agreed to scale ‘Trump Tower’ you ended up winning Miss America.

4. The man who scaled Trump Tower yesterday said he did so to get Trump’s attention. “Hey, get in line,” said Eric, Tiffany and Don Jr.

5. A new study found that single people have more fulfilling social lives and experience greater psychological growth than married people. That story again, stop stifling me, Karen!

6. According to reports, at least eight staffers have left the Republican National Committee due to discomfort over the party’s nomination of Donald Trump for president. And, as in tradition with these types of situations, I assume the first ones off were women and children.

7. The leotards worn by the U.S. women’s gymnastics team when they won gold in Rio contained over 4,000 Swarovski crystals and cost $1,200 each. You know, just in case other countries didn’t hate us enough already.

8. During a heartfelt confession, a contestant on the Australian version of ‘The Bachelor’ revealed that she was raised in a polygamist cult. So, needless to say, she was very confused when there were more cuts after the Bachelor gave out eight roses.

9. According to new research, some male college students who have negative attitudes towards gay men show an unconscious bias in favor of homosexual imagery. And, in unrelated news, the UFC is valued at $4 billion.

10. Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton on Wednesday accused her Republican opponent Donald Trump of inciting violence by calling upon gun activists. But, to be fair, Trump always incites violence anywhere he goes because he has such a punchable face:
trump smug

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