August 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man went on his honeymoon without his wife after she lost her passport two weeks before the trip. And, when he gets back, I have a feeling she’s also gonna have conveniently lost her wedding ring.

2. Donald Trump suggested in a speech on Tuesday that gun rights activists could stop his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton from nominating liberal justices to the Supreme Court. And, speaking of Constitutional rights, he knows he has the right to remain silent, right?

3. Donald Trump suggested in a speech on Tuesday that gun rights activists could stop his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton from nominating liberal justices to the Supreme Court. A strategy that worked, although a little belated, for Stephen Douglas.

4. A Danish company that struggled to attract applicants for a job vacancy has turned to Pokemon Go for inspiration, offering to pay part of the salary in the game’s virtual currency. Even worse, under the company’s health plan, Squirtle is your only in-network primary-care physician.

5. When asked yesterday, by the New York Times, if Donald Trump is mentally suited to be president, Newt Gingrich took a long pause and answered, “Sure.” Which, coincidentally is the same answer Newt gave to the question, “Do you take this woman” at his first two weddings.

6. On Monday, Walmart announced that it is buying Jet.com for $3 billion. Which is the second biggest waste of money anyone has spent on a Jet ever:
sanchez

7. Former NFL quarterback and current ESPN broadcaster Tim Tebow is actively pursuing a career in professional baseball. So we’ll finally have an answer to the question, what if Bo Jackson sucked?

8. While talking about a potential backlash for speaking at the Republican National Convention, actor Scott Baio said, “I genuinely, in my heart, do not care if I ever work again. I don’t care.” Well, if that’s the case Scott, I’ve got some great news for you.

9. Billionaire investor Carl Icahn said on CNBC on Tuesday that Donald Trump is “right about the economy” and “the Archie Bunkers of the world” will vote for him. Although, I think that has less to do with his economic plan and more to do with Bunker’s attitude towards the blacks, Hispanics, gays, hippies, Jews, ‘women’s libbers’, and Polish-Americans.

10. Patrick Kennedy, a mental health advocate and former Rhode Island congressman, penned an op-ed Monday calling on Americans to stop calling Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump ‘crazy’ because it demeans those who suffer from real mental health issues. You hear that Paul Ryan, even the mentally ill know enough to distance themselves from Trump.

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