August 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Evan McMullan, a former CIA officer and congressional staffer, launched a long-shot bid for president, billing himself as a conservative alternative to Donald Trump. “So you’re saying you need a vice president?” said Chris Christie.

2. On Monday, VH1 announced that rapper Snoop Dogg and lifestyle guru Martha Stewart will co-host a cooking show called “Martha and Snoop’s Dinner Party.” The show will feature one convict who has served hard time and Snoop Dogg.

3. While unveiling a new economic plan on Monday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was interrupted fourteen times by protestors. “Trust us, that doesn’t get his attention,” said Eric and Don Jr.:
protest

4. The U.S government said on Monday it plans to auction off over 2,700 bitcoin that were forfeited during several federal cases. Experts place a value on the auction of $1.6 million or nothing.

5. On Monday, NBC signed a multi-year deal with Snapchat to produce original shows for the messaging app. Because, if there’s one thing NBC is good at, it’s producing shows that disappear real quickly:
nbc

6. According to those in attendance, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, the band from ‘The Muppet Show’ composed completely of puppets, played their first every live set on Sunday at the Outside Lands music festival in San Francisco. Or, more likely, the acid that was going the festival was just really good.

7. An expert in India claims that applying cow dung to the back on a cell phone can protect the user from radiation. Of course, if you always smell like cow shit, no one’s going to be calling you anyway.

8. In a recent interview, former Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman revealed that he has broken his penis three times. So, it turns out, a three-peat isn’t always a good thing.

9. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hosting a $33,400-a-plate fundraiser for Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton. Hillary lowered her normal speaking fee because DiCaprio only pretended to work on Wall Street in a movie.

10. Last week, a former top CIA official said that President Vladimir Putin has turned Donald Trump into an “unwitting agent” of Russia. I don’t know about all that, but he definitely got the ‘unwitting’ part right.

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