August 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked on Friday, what women he would nominate to his Cabinet if elected president, Donald Trump suggested his daughter Ivanka. When asked which position he imagined her in, Trump replied, “usually doggie.”

2. Over the weekend, Donald Trump released a new attack ad depicting Hillary Clinton as an email-eating version of Ms. Pacman. Which is a ridiculous comparison because Ms. Pacman wears a bow in her hair.

3. Last week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett claimed that when Republican nominee Donald Trump’s business went public in 1995, investors lost 90% of their money, saying they would have been better off, “if a monkey had thrown a dart at the stock page.” Which is ludicrous, because if the monkey is busy throwing darts, who’s gonna write Trump’s next speech?:

4. On Friday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump unveiled an all-male, 13-member economic advisory team, which includes six guys named Steve. Which could get a little confusing, luckily Trump is very good at giving out nicknames. “I will call you fat Steve.”

5. Extreme marathon runner Dion Leonard is attempting to bring a stray dog which followed him for 77 miles during a race across China back to his home in Scotland. Or, as such a thing is referred to in China, takeout:

6. The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested on Friday for allegedly dealing meth. Which is a surprise, because if you had told me a mayor was on meth I would have guessed it was this guy:

7. An army veteran, who was awarded a Purple Heart after losing his leg in Afghanistan, setup a GoFundMe page to send Donald Trump to a war zone so he can ‘earn’ a Purple Heart, has already raised $50,000. So at least one Trump campaign is going well.

8. Ahead of the beginning of the Olympics, Pope Francis sent a letter to the ten athletes that are competing as part of the first ever Refugee Team. Begging the question, where did the Pope address the letter to?

9. On Sunday, the New York Yankees announced that slugger Alex Rodriguez will retire at the end of this week. So, Friday will be the last day Yankee fans will be able to go to Yankee Stadium, see A-Rod in all his glory and boo the fuck out of him.

10. Federal agents say a couple who crossed the border last week in Brownsville, Texas tried to smuggle methamphetamine into the country using their 19-month-old child. It’s the perfect crime because that baby didn’t have teeth to begin with.

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