August 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he always wanted a Purple Heart. And, from the look of these pictures, he’s only one more clogged artery away:
trump heart

2. A golf course in California has put giant headshots of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as targets on their driving range. Which is odd, because I always pictured Trump’s face being more at home on a mini-golf course:
mini golf

3. On Wednesday, the International Olympic Committee voted to add five new sports, baseball, skateboarding, climbing, karate and surfing, to the roster for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. Athletes for those sports expressed disappointment that they’ll have to wait four years and can’t compete in Rio, except for the surfers.

4. Yesterday, the FAA announced that a private company had been granted the right to build a robotic lander in Florida and then send it to the moon. No word on how the lander will handle the harsh environment and also what’ll happen once it gets to the moon.

5. It was announced this week that the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City will shut down after Labor Day. Or, according to Trump himself, everything’s fine.

6. Magician Penn Jillette credits his recent 100-pound weight loss to a potato diet. The way it worked was Teller has an severe potato allergy and weighs about 100 pounds.

7. On Tuesday, a military veteran gave Republican presidential nominee his Purple Heart, an award that is given by the President to soldiers wounded or killed in combat. And, I think it’s safe to assume that of those two options, President or dead, the entire U.S population wishes Trump was at least one.

8. A golf course in California has put giant headshots of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton as targets on their driving range for golfers unleash their rage on. And in related news, Jeb’s swing has never looked better.

9. Over the weekend, TNT announced a new TV show starring Charles Barkley that will explore the topic of race in America. As a result, Barkley has changed his nickname to the Round Mound of Stand Your Ground.

10. A British couple committed to tackling the massive amount of food wasted daily will be serving their wedding guests a meal comprised solely of food that has been thrown out by local stores. Even worse, it’s a cash bar.

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