August 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump ejected a crying baby from a campaign rally in Virginia. Trump got annoyed because every time he talked he heard an echo.

2. Yesterday, a military veteran supporting Donald Trump gifted the Republican presidential nominee his Purple Heart. Now, if someone can just gift him a brain, he’ll have the whole plot to “the Wizard of Oz” covered.

3. In a recent interview, singer Britney Spears revealed that she doesn’t remember any of her previous meetings Taylor Swift. Yikes, wait till someone breaks the news to her about what she did with Kevin Federline.

4. On Monday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump fired senior advisor Ed Brookover. So that should fix everything.

5. On Tuesday, “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon was chosen to host the 2017 Golden Globes. So good luck trying to figure out who won ‘Best Actor in a Drama Series’ from Fallon acting it out in a game of charades with Jaden Smith.

6. According to a new study, even though most seniors have cell phones and computers, few go online to find answers to medical questions, contact doctors or fill prescriptions. That story again, your Nana’s 2009 Honda Accord will be yours sooner than you thought.

7. A British couple committed to tackling the massive amount of food wasted daily will be serving their wedding guests a meal comprised solely of food that has been thrown out by local stores. When RSVPing, guests will have a choice between “I think that’s chicken” and “that definitely smells like fish.”

8. Yesterday, while talking about the sexual assault claims against Roger Ailes, Eric Trump said his sister, Ivanka, would never allow herself to be sexually harassed by her boss and would raise any complaints with Human Resources. Unfortunately, families don’t have HR departments:
ivanka trump

9. On Tuesday, President Obama gave a speech critical of Donald Turmp and the Republican politicians who hesitantly support him, saying “there has to come a point at which you say ‘enough.’” Said Trump supporter Chris Christie, “I’ll tell you, what I told the waitress at the Golden Nugget buffet, I’m never gonna say ‘enough.’”

10. The Boston Police Department has unveiled an $89,000 ice cream truck as the newest addition to its patrol fleet. “Well, we had a good run,” said local pedophiles.

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