July 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, at the Democratic Convention, when speaking of her running mate, Hillary Clinton said, “for those of you just getting to know Tim Kaine.” Although, she could have saved a lot of time by saying, “Hey, everyone.”

2. During her speech last night at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton said, America has, “the most generous and tolerant young people we’ve ever had.” So tolerant and generous that they’ll hopefully vote for their second choice for the Democratic presidential nominee.

3. Last night Hillary Clinton said, “I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.” And, I gotta say, after practicing it in the mirror every night for the past eight years, she nailed it.

4. At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton’s speech last night at the Democratic Convention, the arena was covered in hundreds and hundreds of balloons. And, in keeping with that theme, the old, crotchety man from ‘Up’ made an appearance:
bernie1

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday tried to quell the outrage over his call for Russia to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, saying he was being sarcastic. Said Trump, “Can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic? I raise my voice, gesticulate wildly with my arms and make over-the-top statements.”

6. According to a new study, people exposed to high lighting in the evening, and low lighting in the morning are more likely to gain weight. “What about fluorescent lighting?” said Chris Christie:
krisy kreme

7. The website of Melania Trump, wife of the Republican presidential nominee, was deleted from the internet on Wednesday amid questions of whether she actually earned the college degree she claimed on her site. But, if she didn’t get her degree, how do you explain this:
harvard

8. During his speech Tuesday night, Bill Clinton revealed that it took three tries to get Hillary to marry him. Same with Donald and Melania, except the first two were with other women.

9. During his speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night, Bill Clinton labeled his wife, Hillary, as a ‘change maker. Saying, “For instance, I used to sleep in the bed, she changed that, now I sleep on the sofa.”

10. According to a new report, it is completely safe to eat raw cookie dough. We’re just one announcement of Cheetos being good for you away from me being a fucking nutritionist.

11. On Friday, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke announced his intentions to run for U.S. Senate in the state of Louisiana. I’m not sure he’s qualified to be a senator but he definitely has the requisite experience to hammer down the wooden stakes needed to erect a campaign sign in front yards.

12. A rare flower that smells like a corpse is set to bloom this week in New York City. Once it blooms, it is expected to make the city smell better.

13. This week, the UK’s first double hand transplant operation took place and the patient says his new hands look “tremendous”. So, yeah, it’s exactly who you think it is:
trump hands

14. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

15. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.

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