July 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, Bill Clinton opened his speech at the Democratic Convention by saying, “In the spring of 1971, I met a girl.” Adding, “Then, in the fall, I met two more girls and you wouldn’t even believe what I did that summer, but I digress.”

2. Bill Clinton’s speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night consisted of heartfelt, personal stories about his wife Hillary in an attempt to humanize her. He did such a good job that even Hillary shed a tear, which, unfortunately, short-circuited her motherboard.

3. The grandmother who introduced President Obama Wednesday night at the Democratic Convention said that every American should get the opportunity to hug the president. And, due to the inactivity on gun control, they might just get that chance.

4. President Obama’s Wednesday night speech at the Democratic Convention characterized the picture painted of America at last week’s Republican Convention as “deeply pessimistic.” But, to be fair, what did you expect from Republicans after spending a week in Cleveland.

5. During last night’s Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance on stage at the conclusion of President Obama’s speech. “Yeah, she’ll sneak up on you like that,” said Bill.

6. Ahead of next month’s Olympics in Brazil, France’s security council has advised French tourists who plan on making the trip to walk the streets of Rio with no jewelry and a spare 50-real bill ready to give to a mugger. And I can’t think of anything more French than having a plan in place to surrender.

7. John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Ronald Reagan in 1981, is set to be released from jail this week. Even crazier, Jodie Foster paid his bail.

8. Scientists say they have developed a machine that uses sunlight to convert urine into drinkable water. That story again, the Mountain Dew factory has installed solar panels.

9. Yesterday, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine accepted the Democratic Party’s vice presidential nomination, saying he is ready to fulfill the duties of the position on day one. And, I assume, the day one vice presidential responsibilities consists of painting over the many ‘Biden Rulez’ written on the walls of the VP residence.

10. During a press conference on Wednesday, Donald Trump did an impression of Jon Lovitz from Saturday Night Live. It was not as warmly received as his Stefon:

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