July 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was officially named the Democratic nominee for president, becoming the first female nominee for a major U.S. party. A night that many believe was a hundred years in the making, although Debbie Wasserman Schultz ballparks it at about a year and a half.

2. According to reports, Democrats beat Republicans in the TV ratings when comparing the first nights of their respective party’s Conventions. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, we had Chachi!?!”

3. On Monday, the Cleveland Cavaliers signed head coach Tyron Lue to a five year, $35 million contract. Which comes out to $7 million a year to ask LeBron what play he wants to run.

4. Donald Trump slammed Democrats on Tuesday for not once mentioning ISIS during the first day of the Democratic Convention. Which, in Trump’s book, is an unforgivable sin, just behind not mentioning him.

5. A man in the Czech town of Prerov could not pay his bar bill so he stripped down naked, left his clothes at the bar as collateral and headed out to get cash. Begging the question, where did he keep his ATM card?

6. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

7. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh opened his speech Monday night at the Democratic Convention by saying he was an alcoholic. “Look who’s plagiarizing now,” said the Kennedy estate.

8. A Florida man pleaded guilty on Monday to illegally funneling $80,000 in foreign contributions to President Obama’s fundraising campaign in 2012 so that a foreign national could attend a campaign event. The court didn’t release the identity of the foreign national, but that didn’t stop Fox News from speculating:obama

9. Dr. Dre was detained outside his home Monday morning after L.A. police received a call from a motorist who alleged the rapper had threatened him with a gun. The encounter ended with beats, but not by Dre.

10. Dating app Tinder has introduced Tinder Social which allows users to swipe right to meet up and go on dates with groups. “Finally,” said Mormon men.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.