July 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Baron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, was seen yawning repeatedly throughout his father’s 74-minute speech at the Republican Convention on Thursday night. Here’s a picture of the unamused Baron from that night:

2. According to reports, the amount of internet searches for pornography in the city of Cleveland rose 184% last week while the Republican Convention was held in town. Apparently, after four days of speeches about the specifics of the Republican platform, those in attendance wanted to watch something less demeaning towards women.

3. On Friday, Hillary Clinton chose Virginia Senator Tim Kaine as her vice presidential running mate. And, in future news, the Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will be bought to you by Ambien.

4. The Democratic Party has selected a handful of undocumented immigrants for official roles at this week’s Democratic National Convention. Ironically, they’re all working security.

5. The day after her speech at the Republican Convention, Ivanka Trump tweeted out a picture and link to where the dress she wore the night before could be purchased. Not to be outdone, Scott Baio did the same exact thing after his Convention speech:
Baio twitter

6. Over the weekend, the United States Olympic Committee announced that they will we be sending a team of 555 athletes to Rio for this year’s Summer Olympics. And, due to the Zika virus, plan on bringing back a team of 478 athletes.

7. A rare Amur tiger was killed at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo during a breeding attempt this week. Maybe they would’t be so rare if you stopped killing them while they had sex.

8. A 28-year-old man in Brooklyn has become the first Pokemon Go player to capture all the characters. Asked how he felt after the accomplishment, the man said, “Still very lonely.”

9. In the wake of Democratic Party Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted that he always said she was “overrated.” Although, to be completely accurate, he called her “a 6 at best.”

10. Two youths unaware of their surroundings while playing Pokemon GO on their cell phones made an illegal border crossing this week from Canada into the United States. Which may explain the new tactic some Mexicans are taking to try to sneak into the U.S.:

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