July 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, fans of Harry Potter books are less likely to vote for Donald Trump. Although, that sentence is just as accurate if you remove the words “Harry Potter” from it.

2. Senator Ted Cruz was booed Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention for not endorsing Donald Trump during his speech. Which was a nice change of pace for Ted Cruz who is normally booed for just being Ted Cruz.

3. A ‘Women for Trump’ rally held in Cleveland this week struggled to get an audience of even thirty people to show up. Which was probably for the best because, under the Republican platform, any time thirty or more women congregate in one place it is considered a brothel.

4. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. I hate to be the guy who broke the news to the refugees which kinda visa they were talking about.

5. An California artist has erected a wall around Donald Trump’s Walk of Fame star on Hollywood Boulevard. But, don’t worry, the wall surrounding the star isn’t so high that it prevents you from peeing on it.

6. A top Republican official says he expects Ted Cruz to run for president again in 2020 even if Donald Trump wins this year. Which may seem like a swipe at Donald by Ted, but I’d argue assuming America will exist four years into a Trump presidency is a ringing endorsement.

7. Krispy Kreme has plans to start selling a donut-flavored soda. Because apparently chewing was still too much exercise for its customers.

8. After deciding not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Jeb Bush a “bad loser.” And, it’s weak insults like that that led to Trump picking Mike Pence on Newt as his VP.

9. Former Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is scheduled to speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Afterwhich, he is expected to hang around the stage for the next five days until someone tells him that it’s definitely over.

10. During his speech at the Republican Convention Tuesday night, Dr. Ben Carson compared Hillary Clinton to Satan. Carson was forced to use the devil as a comparison because other evil figures like Saddam Hussein and Vladimir Putin were already used in a much different fashion by Donald Trump.

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