10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

2. A 9-hour long standoff ended Wednesday morning when police officers entered an Oklahoma City home, only to find it completely empty. Sounds like the police stumbled upon Kevin Durant’s house.

3. According to a new study, in school cafeterias with banners depicting vegetables as superheroes, more young children took veggies from the salad bar. Which may explain why most Chinese lunchrooms have banners of Underdog.

4. 5-star wide receiver recruit Tee Higgins announced his decision to play football at Clemson University in a video via an elaborate fireworks display. Jason Pierre Paul gave the video his highest rating, one and a half thumbs up.

5. Actor Johnny Depp altered the tattoo he had of former wife Amber Heard’s nickname on his knuckles to read “scum.” Oh Johnny, if only it were that easy to erase all of your mistakes:

6. The world’s most obese kid is a 423 pound Indonesia boy who is only 10-years-old. Or, as it’s referred to at that weight, middle-aged.

7. Nigerian militant group the Niger Delta Avengers said last week that its only Twitter account was suspended and all other accounts claiming to represent the group are false. So, at least for now, the best way to read the terror group’s hate-filled messages is to wait for Donald Trump to retweet them.

8. Snapchat announced a new feature that enables users to save their content, a big change for the social messaging app widely used for sending photos and videos that disappear in a day. And, in related news, Hillary Clinton has quit Snapchat.

9. Bikes will be checked for hidden motors during stages of the Tour de France as part of plans to crack down on cheats in this year’s race. “Motors!?!” said a disgusted Lance Armstrong, “In my day you won the honest way, by replacing all the blood in your body with the blood of a better athlete.”

10. A grandfather in California spent $6,500 to build a DisneyLand-themed park in his backyard to convince his grandchildren to visit more. Although, I don’t think it’s gonna work since Tomorrowland is just a bunch of crying kids standing over a coffin saying, “Why didn’t we spend more time with him.”

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