July 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new NBC poll, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has 0% support among African American voters in Ohio. And, if anyone knows something about zero black people, it’s NBC:
nbc

2. Last night was the 500th episode of “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Fallon credits his show’s success to fun bits, positive, inclusive humor and not having Jay Leno as a lead-in.

3. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is looking for a vice president who has the skills and experience that he lacks. So the question becomes, where do you find a likable, mute who doesn’t want to bone his own daughter?

5. The Center for Disease Control is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the U.S. to determine how long the Zika virus lasts in bodily fluids. Scientists will gather the hundreds of semen samples by taking a mop onto the G train.

6. A new study concludes that humans are still evolving. The study was conducted anywhere but the South.

7. The Republican Party will declare internet pornography a “public health crisis” when its platform is revealed next week at the convention. Still cool with guns though.

8. A woman was arrested last week for threatening to kill famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “Back off, I got this,” said Mother Nature.

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he dreams of opening a t-shirt shop in Hawaii once his term in office is through. And you thought Obama had problems making a deal with Putin before:
putin

10. A selection of outfits worn by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has gone on display at Buckingham Palace as part of an exhibition marking the monarch’s 90th birthday. Unfortunately, it seems like they didn’t leave the Queen with a lot of options in her closet:
outfit

11. President Obama joined Hillary Clinton at a campaign rally in North Carolina last week, telling voters he was ready to “pass the baton” to his former secretary of state. Which is odd because, when it comes to track and field, Hillary always struck me more as a shot-putter:
shot put

12. Last week, the Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the Ku Klux Klan is legally allowed to adopt a highway. Which explains why, after being re-tarred, the 505 was also covered in feathers.

13. While testifying before Congress regarding Hillary Clinton’s emails, FBI director James Comey revealed that former General David Petreaus hid documents in the insulation of his attic while being investigated. Said Mrs. Clinton, “That’s crazy, I’d never do that because, in order to make room for the docs, I’d have to move Vince Foster’s body.”

14. Last week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz accepted an invitation from former rival Donald Trump to speak at this month’s Republican National Convention. As a result, the convention has been moved from Cleveland to here:
skull island

15. The world’s oldest male twins, Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, turned 103 last week. The brothers made a wish, blew out their candles, saw the other one was still alive and said in unison, “my wish didn’t come true.”

16. Lawyers for Gretchen Carlson, who is suing Fox News boss Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, say Ailes is the “Bill Cosby of media.” Said Cosby, “That’s not fair, I was on TV too.”

17. An Ambulance driver in Virginia got lost on the way to the hospital while transporting a dying man. Luckily he knew exactly how to get to the morgue.

18. More than 3,000 people stripped naked and were painted blue on Saturday in the U.K. to be part of a mass human artwork. “This is my nightmare,” said Gargamel.

19. A fan got punched in the face by a rider during the eighth stage of the Tour de France. That’s crazy, there’s a fan of bike riding?

20. There has been an increase in the amount of whale sightings in the waters near New York City, including the East River. Experts attribute the uptick to whales not paying off their gambling debts.

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