July 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 9-hour long standoff ended Wednesday morning when police officers entered an Oklahoma City home, only to find it completely empty. Sounds like it was Kevin Durant’s house.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has started referring to himself as “the law and order candidate.” In his defense, he does spend a lot of time in courtrooms.

3. Greece is training dogs to sniff out potential tax dodgers who are trying to sneak cash out of the crisis hit country. “Can I switch?” said bomb-sniffing dogs.

4. The world’s first virtual reality porn festival had to be cancelled after too many people showed up. Thousands of people flocked to the venue, including over two women.

5. According to a new study, nearly two-thirds of Americans can’t pass a basic financial literacy test. Said those two-thirds, “What about the other half?”

6. The French government pays a guy $10,958 per month to cut socialist President Francois Hollande’s hair. Which is good news for that barber because he wasn’t making much money off his other socialist client:
bernie hair

7. Notorious polygamist Mormon leader Lyle Jeffs, who was under house arrest on fraud charges, escaped FBI surveillance by squirming out of his GPS ankle bracelet using olive oil. And, if I know anything about Mormon polygamists, I bet it was extra virgin olive oil.

8. For the first time in nearly 70 years, women over the age of 40 are having more babies than women under the age of 20. Which is a scary thought because Kim Kardashian is only 35.

9. According to sources, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie tops Donald Trump’s short list to be his vice-presidential running mate. Which is a nice change of pace for Christie because his wife stopped letting him be on top about 150 pounds ago.

10. The Washington Post reported that four years ago Donald Trump used money donated for charity to buy himself a Tim Tebow-signed football helmet. Which is still the second stupidest thing Trump has ever spent money on that goes on the top of his head.

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