July 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said, if he were asked by Donald Trump to be his running mate it would not be am automatic yes. Presumably because he’d have to finish chewing the hoagie in his mouth before he could answer.

2. After David Cameron’s resignation in the wake of the Brexit vote, MP Theresa May is set to become Britain’s next leader, making her only the second female Prime Minister in the country’s history. “Not so fast,” said Sir Bernard Sanders:
bernie

3. A woman in Louisiana compared Taylor Swift’s vagina to a ham sandwich causing the hashtag #IfMyVaginaWereASandwich to trend on Twitter with female users suggesting which sandwich their intimate lady-parts most closely resemble. “Did we ever settle if a hotdog is a sandwich?” said Caitlyn Jenner.

4. When drugs for HIV suppress the virus in the blood to very low levels, patients are unlikely to infect their partners during condom-less sex. This according to a study Charlie Sheen is showing to ever porn star and prostitute in a 20 mile radius.

5. On Tuesday, reacting to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s recent comments that were critical of him, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump called Ginsburg “a disgrace to the court.” In response, Ginsburg referred Trump to the seminal court case of Rubber v. Glue.

6. A Maryland couple has been arrested and charged with animal cruelty after 310 dogs were rescued from their alleged puppy mill. 310!?! Even Cruella DeVille thinks that excessive.

7. Last week, the Pentagon announced two ISIS senior military commanders died last week in a U.S. airstrike in Syria. Or, as it is known over there, natural causes.

8. Author Elizabeth Gilbert has announced that she is separating from her husband of a decade after writing about their romance in the best selling book, “Eat, Pray, Love.” Apparently she was doing a little too much eating and not enough loving.

9. Last week, a man in Kentucky attempted to rob a Chuck E. Cheese during a job interview. Even sadder, he used his one phone call to see if he got the job.

10. On last week’s edition of “Celebrity Jeopardy,” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer ended the show with a balance of negative $4,600. Blitzer amassed such a deficient by answering every question with “Where is Malaysian Airlines flight 370?”

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