July 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week Virginia introduced a law that makes it illegal for 12-year-old girls to get married. While 12-year-old girls will still be required to get married in West Virginia.

2. A house in Seattle that was declared to dangerous to even enter sold for $427,000 after an intense bidding war. “We’ve been sitting on a goldmine,” said the entire city of Detroit.

3. Over the weekend, “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson linked gay marriage to mass murder in a speech to conservatives. “You could have just RSVP’d ‘No’,” said Lance Bass and his fiancee.

4. 18-year-old Vashti Cunningham clinched a Olympic berth in track and field last week becoming the youngest U.S. Olympian since 1980. “It’s so much harder when they run fast,” said Jared Fogel.

5. In a recent interview with ‘Vanity Fair,’ actress Lindsay Lohan said she is writing a book. The working title is “The Girl with the Lower Back Dragon Tattoo.”

6. During the award ceremony at the conclusion of the U.S. Women’s Open golf tournament on Sunday, USGA president Diana Murphy repeatedly and incorrectly referred to winner Brittany Lang as ‘Bethany.’ The last time someone in golf mistakenly called a woman by the wrong name it resulted in Elin chasing Tiger around the house with a 9 iron.

7. Yesterday was the United Nation’s World Population Day, with this year’s focus being on issues facing teenage girls around the world. Issues like access to education, equal pay and why Becky’s being such a bitch.

8. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, if need be, he will personally fix the Department of Veteran Affairs to prevent any future mishaps. And, in exchange, hopefully VA hospitals will fix Trump to prevent any future mishaps:

9. According to a new study, in school cafeterias with banners depicting vegetables as superheroes, more young children took veggies from the salad bar. Which may explain why most Chinese lunchrooms have banners of Underdog.

10. 5-star wide receiver recruit Tee Higgins announced his decision to play football at Clemson University in a video via an elaborate fireworks display. Jason Pierre Paul gave the video his highest rating, one and a half thumbs up.

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