July 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Johnny Depp altered the tattoo he had of former wife Amber Heard’s nickname on his knuckles to read “scum.” Oh Johnny, if only it were that easy to erase all of your mistakes:
mortdecai

2. The world’s most obese kid is a 423 pound Indonesia boy who is only 10-years-old. Or, as it’s referred to at that weight, middle-aged.

3. Nigerian militant group the Niger Delta Avengers said last week that its only Twitter account was suspended and all other accounts claiming to represent the group are false. So, at least for now, the best way to read the terror group’s hate-filled messages is to wait for Donald Trump to retweet them.

4. Snapchat announced a new feature that enables users to save their content, a big change for the social messaging app widely used for sending photos and videos that disappear in a day. And, in related news, Hillary Clinton has quit Snapchat.

5. According to sources, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie top Donald Trump’s short list to be his vice-presidential running mate. The last time Gingrich and Christie topped a list they were waiting for a table at a Cheesecake Factory. (They’re both rather tubby)

6. Bikes will be checked for hidden motors during stages of the Tour de France as part of plans to crack down on cheats in this year’s race. “Motors!?!” said a disgusted Lance Armstrong, “In my day you won the honest way, by replacing all the blood in your body with the blood of a better athlete.”

7. Marco Rubio, former rival to presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump, will skip the Republican National Convention. So, in this case, at least one child will be left behind.

8. A man in Tennessee was caught in bed with a mannequin he had stolen from the Hustler Hollywood store in downtown Nashville earlier that day. His wife was shocked by the news:
blow up doll1

9. A grandfather in California spent $6,500 to build a DisneyLand-themed park in his backyard to convince his grandchildren to visit more. Although, I don’t think it’s gonna work since Tomorrowland is just a bunch of crying kids standing over a coffin saying, “Why didn’t we spend more time with him.”

10. On Saturday, former New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter married girlfriend model Hannah Davis. Jeter tied the knot after a twenty-three year bachelor party.

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