July 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump gave a speech at a Pennsylvania recycling plant in front of a giant pile of trash. Said Chris Christie, “I’ve been called worse.”

2. High-end fashion retailer Coach is now selling a pocketbook with a picture of Mickey Mouse on it for $300. “Looks like someone just got his Hannukah shopping done,” said Woody Allen.

3. New research suggests that an experimental shock therapy may improve erectile disfunction in men. “Nope,” said Mrs. Ben Franklin.

4. It was reported yesterday that legal analyst Nancy Grace is leaving CNN’s Headline News, but no reason was given for the departure. Please be an abduction, please be an abduction…

5. The Albanian town of Sarande has built a bronze statue of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Of course, if Hillary doesn’t win the general election and become the next President of the United States, the town will just re-dedicate the statue to comedic actor David Spade.

6. Researchers at MIT have taught a computer to watch two people on TV and predict if they’re going to kiss. The way it works is, if one of them is Joe Namath and it’s after happy hour, the answer is yes.

7. Researchers at MIT have taught a computer to watch two people on TV and predict if they’re going to kiss. Things got weird when Donald Trump appeared at a televised campaign rally with Ivanka.

8. According to reports, when his term is up, President Obama is tinkering with the idea of becoming a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. Meaning he would be the second ex-president to give out a ton of money around silicon:
strip club

9. According to a new study, Americans spend an average of eleven hours a day looking at screens. “Not according to my numbers,” said the owner of a movie theater that showed Johnny Depp’s last movie.

10. According to a new report, only 30% of prisoners in Texas have air conditioning in their cells. Said the other 70%, “Who’s a guy gotta kill to get an A/C unit?”

11. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Yeah, it’s just six hours of waiting for one of those long skinny pieces to appear.

12. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Or, as she refers to it, a slow year.

13. In a recent interview, Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in November’s presidential election. That’s over five months away, you’re 74-years-old, maybe focus on tomorrow and don’t make too many long-term plans.

14. On Sunday, Hillary Clinton’s campaign aired its first Spanish language ad during the Chile-Argentina Copa America soccer game. Said Donald Trump, “I saw it, I was unimpressed, she didn’t even eat one taco bowl.”

15. The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Montreal has ordered that beginning sometime this year, priests in Montreal parishes will no longer be permitted to spend time alone with children. “Threesome it is,” said two priests alone in a room with an altar boy.

16. Handgun owners were invited to bring their sidearms, openly carried and holstered with a concealed weapons permit, to a Michigan minor league baseball game last Friday for the stadium’s “2nd Amendment Education Night.” More so than any other night, you really don’t wanna get caught stealing.

17. On Friday, actress Lindsay Lohan sent 31 tweets in two hours arguing that England’s decision to leave the E.U. was stupid and used the plunging value of the British pound as support. Because if anyone knows something about plunging value.

18. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. And you thought the lines at Starbucks were long.

19. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. That story again, a whorehouse in Switzerland bought a coffee machine.

20. Four men in Texas were arrested after a $20,000 heist when they took a wrong turn in their getaway vehicle and ended up at FBI headquarters in Dallas. Asked what they were planning on doing with that money, the men said, “Buy a GPS.”

21. A man in Wyoming has been arrested after allegedly going door-to-door asking people if they wanted to buy cocaine from him. Turns out, Walter White’s “I am the one who knocks,” is not a solid business plan.

22. Last week, a Louisiana man threw away his pitiable after the dog ate his pizza. If that’s the case, then he’s really not gonna like what his cat did to his lasagna:
garfield

23. A North Texas city council has voted to oust a cat that lives in and serves as a mascot for the public library. But if those officials think its the cat that’s keeping Texans away from books they are sorely mistaken.

24. Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is hosting a special performance of the Broadway smash hit “Hamilton” as part of a campaign fund-raiser. Donald Trump is also getting in on the Broadway fun promising to build a wall around the theater housing the musical “Aladdin.”

25. The Lithuanian village of Ramygala held its annual goat beauty pageant on Sunday, with the top prize going to a 16-month-old female goat called Demyte. Or, as she will undoubtedly be known in a few months, Demyte Trump.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.