June 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new pornography website is promising to donate one penny every time someone watches one of its videos online. And, in related news, we’ve solved world hunger.

2. Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has lost a $1.2 million book deal from HarperColllins. The publisher decided to pull the deal once it realized that Trump supporters don’t read books.

3. Due to budget shortfalls in Brazil ahead of the Olympic Games, the police department staged a protest at Rio’s airport with a sign reading, “Welcome to Hell.” Said the delegation arriving from Syria, “Well, that’s still an improvement for us.”

4. It is being reported that presidential candidate Donald Trump has asked retired coach Bobby Knight to speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention. So this time Clint Eastwood will talk to a chair and then Bobby Knight will rough it up.

5. According to a new survey, over 80% of U.S. women groom their pubic hair. Which seems low, because if this election season proved anything it’s that people aren’t big fans of Bush.

6. Yesterday, a jury found that a western Wisconsin man did not molest his co-worker’s dog. Said the man, “Look, I’m not the one who taught him to beg and rollover.”

7. Brexit beat porn as the most popular Google search term last week. Begging the question, why’s it got to be an either/or thing?:

8. According to a new report, Charles Manson’s ex-fiancee agreed to marry him as part of a wild scheme to profit by putting his body on public display after his death. The wildest part is the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson thought she was gonna outlive him.

9. According to a new study, smoking may damage a man’s sperm count. Counterpoint:

10. A French soccer fan was arrested for hiding a flare in his ass and burning himself. Ironically, the best way to recreate that feeling is to go to prison.

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