June 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, England voted to leave the European Union throwing the entire global economy into turmoil. Things are so uncertain that Queen Elizabeth was forced to get a job:
drive thru

2. In a recent interview, Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in November’s presidential election. Well, she has always down well with older voters.

3. A new report claims that China is still engaged in the widespread and systematic harvesting of donor organs from prisoners. My gut tells me that’s wrong, but my new liver tells me to murder.

4. Cavs fans are buying championship merchandise at a record pace in the wake of the Cavaliers winning Cleveland’s first championship in fifty years. Which makes sense, because before that, in order to get a Cavs championship t-shirt you had to live in Africa.

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump predicted on Friday that his campaign would raise a “staggering” amount of money this summer. And, to be fair, he is great at fundraising, as long as you consider getting a loan from your father as fundraising.

6. Last week, police in New York City discovered a heroin operation hidden behind a door disguised as a shelf in a candy shop. And it was a great cover because no one ever questioned why Phillip Seymour Hoffman was visiting a candy shop three to four times a day.

7. According to a new study, children that are obese are likely to become obese adults. “I wouldn’t bet on it,” said heart disease.

8. Last week, an Orthodox Rabbi competed on NBC’s “American Ninja Warrior.” It is the first time a clergyman has appeared on an NBC reality show since the most recent episode of “To Catch a Predator.”

9. While shooting an episode of his CNBC show, comedian Jay Leno crashed a 2,500-horsepower car. I could have told you that was a terrible idea, giving Jay Leno another TV show.

10. Last week, in a landmark ruling, the Oregon State Supreme Court found that dogs are not mere property but are “sentient beings.” So, remember, that’s not your property but a sentient being licking his own nuts in your hallway.

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