June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.

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