June 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 British men can’t see their own penis. “So, if you think about it, I was actually performing a community service,” said George Michael.

2. Concerned Wall Streeters are warning Hillary Clinton that if she picks notoriously anti-big bank Senator Elizabeth Warren as her running-mate that large donations from the financial industry will vanish. And, of course, the quickest way to get those donations to disappear is to send them to Hillary in an email containing the word “Benghazi.”

3. A man in the U.K. was caught masturbating with an eggplant on a city bus. And, even more embarrassing for the man, no one was confused by which one was the eggplant.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the house Paul Ryan responded to Democrats staging a sit in on the floor of the House of Representatives to protest the lack of action on gun control by demanding that all cameras in the chambers be shut off. A policy that Ryan probably should have adopted much earlier:
paul ryan

5. In a new interview, Democrat Bernie Sanders said “It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” So it looks like Bernie is going with the new campaign strategy of pity, which explains his new slogan:
bernie sign

6. Researchers in the Netherlands have discovered that birds are able to grasp the basics of grammar. Although, it’s taking this bird a really fucking long time to do so:
big bird

7. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ women in Saudi Arabia use bumper cars at amusement parks to practice driving. While men in Saudi Arabia use that game where you throw a baseball at a pyramid of bottles to practice stoning women to death for driving.

8. This week, a woman in Texas woke up from surgery with an English accent. Okay, but what’s Madonna’s excuse?

9. A professor in Britain is predicting that in the future the rich will hunt humans for sport. So maybe Dick Cheney and George Zimmerman were just ahead of their time.

10. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. “You’re in movies?” said Oscar voters.

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