June 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. That story again, a morgue in Manhattan will start serving brunch.

2. According to reports, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign only has $1.3 million in cash on hand. But, on the plus side, it looks like a lot more than that in his tiny little hands.

3. Last week, a former Donald Trump political adviser said he thinks Trump would drop out of the presidential race if someone offered him $150 million. “You’d be surprised what a person will agree to do for that kind of money,” said Melania.

4. Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders is still getting protection from the Secret Service which is costing the American taxpayer $38,000 a day. As a compromise, the government is taking away the 74-year-old’s Secret Service detail and replacing it with a Life Alert bracelet.

5. Australia’s consumer watchdog on Tuesday sued the Kraft Heinz Company alleging it falsely advertised the ingredients in its Little Kids Shredz line of food for children. Begging the question, did your baby eat a dingo?

6. Yesterday was International Yoga Day. My neighbor’s wife celebrated by wearing yoga pants everyday for the past year.

7. Tuesday afternoon, Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders walked into a Senate Republican lunch meeting in the Capitol by mistake. Even more embarrassing, it was 2 p.m. and he was looking for dinner.

8. The Australian Olympic Committee is demanding that Brazil increase its security ahead of this summer’s Olympic Games after one of its Paralympic athletes was mugged at gunpoint in Rio over the weekend. Well, he’s a Paralympic athlete now.

9. On Monday, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reveled the new Model S car is also a boat. “I’ve heard that one before,” said Mary Jo Kopechne.

10. Packer, a chihuahua rescued from a trash compactor in Maryland, has found a new home. Although, it isn’t all good news for Packer, he used to be a German Shepard.

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