June 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to win the NBA Finals and end a 51-year championship drought in Cleveland. A victory that, come next month when the GOP holds their convention in Cleveland, Donald Trump will somehow take credit for.

2. According to a new report, genealogy websites are the second most popular websites online, right behind pornography sites. Although, in West Virginia there’s no delineation between the two.

3. Today is National Make Music Day. So, please, no one tell Kesha.

4. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump fired embattled campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. As a result of his firing, Lewandowski will have a hard time explaining the gap in his employment history to any prospective employer and an even harder time explaining his actual employment.

5. Yesterday, the Democratic Republic of Congo declared a yellow fever epidemic after confirming 67 cases of the disease. And, in related news, the International Olympic Committee has awarded the 2020 Games to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

6. Yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. “Welcome to my everyday,” said the co-worker who sits next to Brenda in accounting.

7. Six Flags is looking into opening a theme park in Saudi Arabia. Just in case living in Saudi Arabia wasn’t thrilling enough for you.

8. Last week, during a show at the Oregon Zoo, a lion got a part of his tail accidentally cut off while a crowd of children looked on. Said a 6-year-old Jewish boy in the audience, “I’ve been there.”

9. Wildlife officials say a bear attacked a woman running a marathon in a national preserve in New Mexico. But, in the bear’s defense, the woman wouldn’t shut up about how she was running a marathon.

10. In the wake of her viral video, toy maker Hasbro has created a Chewbacca Mom action figure. It is expected to sell better than their 2 Girls 1 Cup and Ball game.

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