June 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Donald Trump turned 70 and celebrated with a low-key birthday party surrounded by loved ones. That story again, Donald Trump spent his birthday in a house of mirrors.

2. Yesterday was Donald Trump’s birthday. And Trump, like most people, celebrated by acting like a baby and demanding that he get everything that he wanted because it was his special day, begging the question, is everyday Donald Trump’s birthday?

3. Yesterday was Donald Trump’s 70th birthday. That’s right, Donald Trump was born on June 14th, 1947 just in case any future time-travelers need to know the exact date to travel back to.

4. On Monday, the House of Representatives held a moment of silence to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting. Not to be confused with the moment of silent that happens whenever anyone introduces a bill on gun regulation on the floor of Congress.

5. Yesterday, the entire city of Los Angeles smelt like burning plastic because a recycling plant caught on fire and exploded. Although, LaToya Jackson laying out in the sun didn’t help the smell either.

6. Kenya reacted angrily on Tuesday to calls by the German Athletics Federation that its athletes be barred from the Rio Olympic Games due to doping concerns. Said Kenyan officials, “Allegations make Kenya mad! KENYA SMASH!!!!”

7. A top official in Argentina’s previous government was arrested on Tuesday while throwing what police called “an obscene amount of cash” over the walls of a monastery. The police called it proof of “institutional corruption” while the unknowing priest on the other side of the wall called it “a fucking miracle.”

8. According to a report, one of Chris Christie’s tasks while working on Donald Trump’s campaign is picking up the presumptive Republican nominee’s McDonald’s order. Or, more likely, Christie orders so much food at McDonald’s that he says some of it is for Trump.

9. An Australian music festival is being criticized for only including one female performer in its lineup. Even worse, this is that performer:
Opening Night At The Hollywood Bowl

10. McDonald’s restaurants in Austria are currently giving away free six-packs of beer with any purchase. Employees are required to ask all drive-thru customers, “Do you want DUIs with that?”

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