June 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A high school senior in Texas surprised many during her valedictorian speech by announcing that she is an undocumented alien. “So, were does that leave me?” said the salutatorian.

2. Dustin Diamond, the actor who played Screech on “Saved By the Bell,” was sent back to jail for violating his probation after testing positive for oxycodone. I guess Johnny Dakota wasn’t the only one who didn’t learn anything from the “There’s No Hope with Dope,” episode.

3. An Italian newspaper has been criticized for distributing free copies of an annotated version of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” with a paid subscription. If that’s the case, then they’re really not gonna like this week’s edition of the funny pages:
charlie brown

4. On Sunday night, for the first time in the history of the Tony Awards, the four musical acting awards went to African-American actors. As a result, the musical ‘Cats’ has changed its name to ‘Black Panthers.’

5. According to a new study, over 50% of women have a back-up husband in mind just in case. Said your wife, “So, what’s the deal with your friend Steve?”

6. Over the weekend, the reigning NFL champion Denver Broncos received their SuperBowl rings, but defensive coordinator Wade Phillips had to return his when he noticed his ring had the wrong name on it. “Bu, it’s really the thought that counts,” said Donald Trump:
ring

7. On Monday, Microsoft announced that it is buying professional networking website LinkedIn in a deal valued at $26.2 billion. Marking the first time being on LinkedIn has ever actually paid off for someone.

8. The U.S. government announced plans on Monday to invest $200 million to help shorten the waiting list for patients waiting for organ transplants. The plan includes making sure the donor list is up to date, improving the accuracy of the matching mechanism and an increase in people waking up in tubs full of ice.

9. According to a new study, at least one in five nursing home residents may endure verbal or physical bullying from fellow residents. Although, if you live long enough, the chances of peer pressure go down dramatically.

10. Over the weekend, a priest in Cyprus punched the best man in the face during a wedding ceremony. But, in the priest’s defense, after that, no one objected.

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