1. A man in China took his hyper-realistic sex doll with him as a date to the “World of Warcraft” movie. So, for once, the movie theater floor wasn’t the stickiest thing in the room.
2. On Wednesday, Forbes named soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the world’s highest paid athlete, earning $88 million last year. Even more amazing, somehow the Mets are on the hook for half of that.
3. A federal appeals court on Tuesday revived a lawsuit in which a West Virginia inmate accused state prison officials of invading his privacy by surgically removing marbles he had implanted in his penis. Even more concerning, he’s taken up chess in prison.
4. According to new research, fish can recognize human faces. “Uh-oh!” said SeaWorld trainers.
5. Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger Clinton was arrested Sunday night in California and charged with driving under the influence. “This wasn’t why we had those ‘Clinton Arrested!’ banners printed up months ago,” said Fox News.
6. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday announced a citywide advertising campaign supporting a person’s right to use the bathroom corresponding with his or her gender identity. Which is weird because, from the smell of the city, I always just assumed people were already free to pee wherever they wanted.
7. On Monday night, Hillary Clinton garnered enough delegates to earn the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance.”
8. A Mexican science teacher at the National Autonomous University of Mexico has taken to dressing up as Spiderman when lecturing his students. Which is the recurring nightmare of Donald Trump, a Mexican who can climb walls.
9. The grandson of one of the founding members of Islamic terrorist group Hamas is living his life as an openly gay Christian man. Which explains Hamas’s new slogan “Death to the infidels and Steve.”
10. Last week, a Connecticut teen drove an ice cream truck to his high school prom. Turns out girls drew the line at going to prom with him when asked what they would do for a Klondike bar.