June 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch told the media to be nice to presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump because, “he’s a first time candidate.” I’d be more inclined to be nicer to Trump if I knew he were a last time candidate.

2. This week, General Mills announced that it is introducing its first new cereal in over fifteen years and it’s called Tiny Toast. Or, in the hands of Donald Trump, regular-sized toast.

3. According to a new survey, one-third of American adults don’t floss. That story again, two-thirds of American adults lie to people who administer surveys.

4. President Obama called Hillary Clinton on Tuesday to congratulate her on securing the delegates needed to become the Democratic presidential nominee. Clinton said she has been dreaming of the day that she would receive that call from Obama, except, in her dreams, that day was June 7, 2008.

5. The head of the largest conservative group in Congress, Representative Bill Flores of Texas, said he could not back Republican Donald Trump for president at this time. Said Trump, “Flores, huh? What’s his heritage?”

6. According to a new study, in middle age, back Americans are four times more likely to die from a stroke than white middle-aged Americans. Said one such patient, “This is the big one, I’m coming for you, Elizabeth!”

7. A month-old camel named Alexander Camelton of Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has become a social media sensation. Proving that in order to become a star on social media all you really need are two large humps of fat:
kim k

8. A California high school student brought his favorite video game to prom as his date. After prom, he was seen playing with his joystick.

9. A man in Minnesota received his eighth DWI, this time with his two kids in the car. Even worse, the man drove because, of the group, he was the most sober.

10. According to a new interview, musician Tom Petty said he wrote his hit song “Free Fallin’” just to make bandmate Jeff Lynne laugh. “Wait, that’s not how you’re supposed to write songs?” said Nickelback.

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