June 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Burger King is testing out a new menu item that combines a Whopper with a burrito, it’s called the Whopperrito. Here’s how it’s made:

2. A federal appeals court on Tuesday revived a lawsuit in which a West Virginia inmate accused state prison officials of invading his privacy by surgically removing marbles he had implanted in his penis. Even more concerning, he’s taken up chess in prison.

3. A woman in England has taken time off from her job to breastfeed her boyfriend. “I’ve been there,” said Cher.

4. According to new research, fish can recognize human faces. “Uh-oh!” said SeaWorld trainers.

5. The National Football League’s Twitter account was hacked on Tuesday and a false tweet claiming that Commissioner Roger Goodell had died was sent out. Authorities are not sure who the hacker but have a person of interest:

6. On Tuesday. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed a bill allowing parents to send medical marijuana with their kids to school. Said one kid to another, “I’ll trade you my Capri Sun and string cheese for your eighth of that sticky-ikcy.”

7. According to a new study, babies who drink from large bottles early in life may experience more weight gain by six months than infants who drank from smaller bottles. As a result, Michael Bloomberg has proposed a ban on all baby bottles larger than 16 ounces

8. At a theater gala in New York Monday night, Oscar Award-winning actress Meryl Streep dressed up as presidential candidate Donald Trump. Turns out, the devil wears Trump-brand suits.

9. A 90-year-old letter to Santa was found this week in a house’s chimney. It was put there by a stupid kid who apparently doesn’t understand how the mail works.

10. According to experts, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s recent derogatory comments about Latinos directed at the judge overseeing his court case could cost him the state of Florida in the general election. Said Trump, “Desperate times, call for desperate measures. Get me two taco bowls.”

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