June 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, website Buzzfeed pulled out of an advertising deal with the Republican National Committee over objections to the party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump. Although, if you think about it, Buzzfeed’s list of the 23 best places to live outside of the U.S. is really an ad for Trump anyway.

2. On Monday, two-time NBA MVP Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors announced that he will skip this summer’s Olympics in Rio. Curry said the idea of skipping a big athletic competition hadn’t occurred to him until he saw the Cavs play in the NBA Finals.

3. Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger Clinton was arrested Sunday night in California and charged with driving under the influence. “This wasn’t why we had those ‘Clinton Arrested!’ banners printed up months ago,” said Fox News.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday announced a citywide advertising campaign supporting a person’s right to use the bathroom corresponding with his or her gender identity. Which is weird because, from the smell of the city, I always just assumed people were already free to pee wherever they wanted.

5. According to a new poll, a large majority of American voters say doctor-prescribed medical marijuana use should be legal in the U.S. The researchers were able to get such a positive response because they counted “What was the question again?” as a yes.

6. On Monday night, Hillary Clinton garnered enough delegates to earn the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance.”

7. Verizon’s “Can you hear me now” guy is appearing in ads for Sprint. Meanwhile, the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy wants to know if you’d like fries with that.

8. This week, a jewelry shop in India was robbed by a monkey who stole $140 from the cash register. Said the exasperated manager to his worst employee, “See, I told you even a monkey could work the register.”

9. Donald Trump received a credit reserved for those making less than $500,000 on his latest New York City tax bill, something the campaign insists was an error by the city for the second quarter in a row. “Well someone’s made a big error here, either NYC or me,” said Melania.

10. Nick Cannon has challenged Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle. So, I’m beginning to think Mariah Carey was the sane one in that relationship.

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