June 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump got into hot water Friday when, during a speech, he pointed out a black supporter in the crowd and called him “my African-American.” Well at least Trump is acting more presidential, specifically presidents Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.

2. A Mexican science teacher at the National Autonomous University of Mexico has taken to dressing up as Spiderman when lecturing his students. Which is the recurring nightmare of Donald Trump, a Mexican who can climb walls.

3. On Thursday it was reported that the Bernie Sanders presidential campaign had discussed the possibility of the candidate skydiving into his rally at an airport in Northern California. Sanders ultimately decided against it because he didn’t want to mess up his hair.

4. According to a new study, one of the skills rich people possess that leads to an increase in wealth is the ability to delay gratification. “That’s what I keep telling myself, a little pain now for a big pay-off in the future,” said Melania.

5. The grandson of one of the founding members of Islamic terrorist group Hamas is living his life as an openly gay Christian man. Which explains Hamas’s new slogan “Death to the infidels and Steve.”

6. After a New York City couple found a decomposing body in their new rental, the landlord offered the renters a discount if they helped with the cleanup. And an even bigger discount if they could provide him with an alibi.

7. Last week, a Connecticut teen drove an ice cream truck to his high school prom. Turns out girls drew the line at going to prom with him when asked what they would do for a Klondike bar.

8. A zoo in southern Germany has turned to online dating to try to find mates for their orangutans. Although, I’m pretty sure one of them is lying in his profile picture:
gorilla

9. Scientists are attempting to grow human organs for transplant inside of pigs. So, tough luck, Jews that need new kidneys.

10. A British man is suing David Copperfield claiming that he’s been left permanently brain damaged by one of the magician’s tricks. “He went to a magic show and just got brain damage, he should consider himself lucky,” said Roy through the computer that talks for him now.

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